Vanity Fair Scores
Baby Suri Photos
Taken By Annie Liebowitz
by Wild About Movies
September 7, 2006
If you missed Katie Couric's debut on the CBS Evening News Tuesday night, you missed another, more exciting debut. Couric, with the help of "Vanity Fair," unveiled the longtime phantom, Baby Suri, which we all know to be the alleged love child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Wild About Movies tried to reach (retired) CBS Evening News veteran anchor Walter Cronkite for comment but did not get a response from him or his publicist. "Vanity Fair" magazine won the rights to expose the family photos of the wacko trio - Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and Suri, whatever her real last name is - for free. And Couric got the 'scoop.' Midway through Couric's first broadcast at the desk, (or was she on her feet, leaning her ass on the edge of her desk?) her fingers flipped through the pages of the just released "Vanity Fair" magazine that includes a 22-page spread of Suri and her Scientologist parents. Or is Suri really the fruit of Tom Cruise's loins? There was a lot of speculation before the photos were published and even more, now! Here is what we have discovered
Now for the real truth?
Those who have seen all 22 pages, including us, feel that
Suri looks like two different babies in the October issue of Vanity Fair - just like the sets of twins television and movie producers routinely use to portray one infant character.
Another of those Suris, amidst the twenty-two pages of photos, looks Asian in descent.
"As much as everybody was hoping she'd turn out to be an animatronic Cabbage Patch Kid, the truth is she's just flat-out beautiful. And possibly Asian," reads a post on one gossip website.
Canadian gossip chronicler Elaine Lui, the Asian woman behind Lainey's Entertainment Update agrees. "The child is absolutely adorable. Gorgeous, actually," she writes. "But then again, perhaps I'm biased? Is it just me or do you see a subtle trace of my people in her features?"
Her people or not, only a DNA test would put to rest the fact or fiction that Suri is not only human, but also a specimen of Tom Cruise and/or former bun warmer, Katie Holmes.
Cruise, as nutty as he is, a man who has run into the center lane of publicity attention getting traffic for more than a year and a half can not be trusted as far as Katie's tits can squirt milk, if they, indeed, do!
After taking a closer look at the cover of "Vanity Fair," we think Suri may be part kangaroo, (she fits snugly into that leather pouch). Or perhaps, she's just a baby head, on loan from one of the Scientology cryogenic chambers. You know that John Travolta and Kristie Allie have a few baby heads stashed away, for when her Jenny Craig career tanks and she needs some new publicity and for when ramblings of Travolta's alleged homosexuality start up again, en masse.
Now that the world sees a face, the face of Suri, we're thinking Tom Cruise will want to try for a boy. We truly hope he doesn't pretend to the world that he has impregnated Katie Holmes again. All he really needs to do is take a drive to the recently vacated Neverland Ranch. We're sure that Michael Jackson has left a few little boys behind, the ones who may be over the age of three, to fend for themselves. Tom Cruise would actually be doing a public service, rescuing these real children.
The "Suri" issue of Vanity Fair is now on sale in NYC and Los Angeles. It goes on sale, nationwide, September 12th, if you care. We really hope that you don't. Use the five dollars in a much more responsible way. Send it to the Chief of Psychiatry at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills, where Baby Suri will surely be spending much of her life. The money you send will allow her to not only be kept abreast of every story written about her in the tabloids, which she can buy from the Candy Striper passing through her secure wing every hour on the hour - but also, more importantly, to stash some money away in her diaper for when she's finally had it with the Prozac, Ativan and Oxycontin. For when she needs the big guns called in. The Beverly Hills heroin, crystal and coke dealers.
